On "My Immortal: The Fan Fiction": Ka-WHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!?????

I wrote this a while ago. I don't know why I haven't published it yet:

There comes a time in every writer’s career where they think “I’m a hack. A pretentious bastard whose pitiful work isn’t worth the blood, sweat and tears I’ve put into it.” Well at times like that, I like to google a certain fanfiction called “My Immortal”.

            Say kids, did you love grow up loving Harry Potter, but now have some vaguely defined vendetta against it? Do you have too much faith in humanity? Then read My Immortal. If you’re not gouging your eyes out by the end, seek help.

            My immortal is not a piece of fiction. It is the butt sex shits of the twisted mind of a certain Tara Gillespie, whom I can only hope has stayed away from keyboards, writing implements and sharp objects since the wire-hanger abortion that is it’s completion. While I’m usually against lobotomies, I’ll make an exception in this case. My Immortal is not a light read, heavy read, or any kind of read. It is an endurance test. A literary Gom Gabar whose every line will take away a little piece of your sanity as you read it. Those who have completed it are either to be given awards, given several months worth of counceling or just completely institutionalized. To call it the worst Harry Potter fan fic would be a misnomer, as would calling it the worst fan fic in general ever. No, “My Immortal” is the worst piece of fiction, period. Ever. In the history of man, never has there been a piece of literature so bad, so utterly putrescent, and that’s saying something. If I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure it’s use has been banned by the U.N. as cruel and unusual torture.

The narrative—and I use that word in the loosest of terms—concerns a certain miss Ebony Darkness Dementia Ravenway in a twisted version of the Harry Potter universe filled with more self mutilation and black clothing than the school kink club. Gillespie occasionally breaking the fourth wall to show that she’s listened to her readers and spelled one word correctly in a sea of poorly spelled ones. Each chapter begins with her calling inevitable flamers “preps” and threaten to stop writing unless she gets at least five good reviews, as if such an act could be seen as a genuine threat as opposed to an act of mercy.

            There’s a little bit to hate for everyone here, whether you’re a fan of decent writing, Harry Potter, or decency in general. Although I’ve only gotten aobut a third of the way through, I’ll try my best to recount what exactly it is that makes this particular fan fic so unreadable, not unlike a PTSD victim describing the inciting incidents that brought him to his decrepit state.

For one thing, I haven’t seen a canon so horribly violated since I watched the second Transformers movie, that being said I’m not a particular stickler to canon so let’s just leave out the minor complaints for the bigger ones. From the get go the most blatant would have to be the endless number spelling errors that pollute the thing. I swear to you, I’m pretty sure Gillespie didn’t so much not bother to put this through spellcheck so much as Microsoft word took one look at the thing and gave up before it committed itself to anything so Sisyphean. If you’re one of those people who can’t stand spelling or grammar errors, the beginning might as well say:

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER.

I swear, I haven’t seen this many ways to spell a single word since I read some documents from Puritan times. It gets so bad that you won’t be entirely sure whether the main character’s name is “Ebony” or “Enoby” or whether said main character is a “goth” or “goff” by the end of the first few chapters.

            And then there’s the story itself. I’m pretty sure what Gillespie must’ve gone through a copy of “Elements of Style” and made sure to do the exact opposite of every single thing suggested. Characters are killed off only to come back seconds later, plot details are revealed in the most contrived ways imaginable, people get angry with hardly any provocation and use swear words with even less provocation, and I swear if I never read such needlessly detailed description of goth clothing again, it’ll be too soon. So there’s this one particularly dark Robot Chicken in which a little girl captures Pegasus, shears it’s wings off, paints it pink, and whips it until it finally accepts that it’s name is now “sunnymuffin,” ala “Roots.” Well that’s pretty much what Gillespie does to the Harry Potter canon. Harry, Draco (whose now Enoby’s lover), Hermione and even poor Hagrid of all characters all get smothered in black makeup and the contents of a dumpster behind a hot topic. Everyone else is a prep whose main goal in life is to stalk “poor” Enoby ceaselessly and swear profusely whenever Ebony is in the vicinity. Gillespie goes the extra mile by adding not only self-mutilation (most chapters begin with Ebony casually cutting herself before the show begins), but also a healthy dose of yaoi subculture, what with the fact that Draco is now Harry’s Vampire’s ex-lover—which is an ironic choice seeing as how “yaoi” is the inevitable sound you make when your fist makes involuntary contact with your face after the first few chapters of this.

            Just to drive the point home, why don’t I tell you the line that started it all, the line that made me realize just what a terribly, idiotic person Tara Gillespie is:

“He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”

            Now, please, I insist. Convince me that any piece of fiction with those words could possibly, ever, in a million years be anything vaguely resembling good. Go ahead. I DARE YOU!!!!!

             There are those out there who insist that thing is an act of Trolling. I’m of the opinion that these people are still holding out hope that humanity could never produce something so insipid. And while I don’t pretend to be an expert, I will say that humanity as a whole is capable of some pretty fucked up stuff. If someone is capable of creating the Atomic Bomb, Mustard Gas, White Phosphorous as well as the Last Airbender Movie, then someone is capable of creating the monstrosity that is “My Immortal.”

If you're up for a challenge, or just feel like there aren't enough feelings of suicide in your life, you can find this turd here.            

I'd recommend listening to the dramatic readings found on youtube. Particularly either this one if you're up for some snarky comments along the way or this one if you just want to listen to it.