So, it’s about 9:30 at night and I haven’t actually done any
writing that could actually tangibly be called “personal”. Oh there were those
625 words I wrote this morning but that was for a response to a reading I had
to do that was due today. I’d continue actually writing something productive,
however the migraine is somewhat preventing that at the moment. For the time
being, however I intend to sit my ass down, endure the mild headache that’s
been brewing, and write something while my brain is still halfway functioning.
So I figure now is as good a time as any to write about write the Star Wars
prequels, seeing as how this must be the state of mind George Lucas wrote at
least the first one.
Now, let me
make something very clear, I, to my eternal shame, was actually part of the
generation who was wooed by the ridiculous stupidity of the Phantom Menace. As a child, you tend not
to notice things like annoying children or shit when there are dudes with laser
swords, loud noises going left and right, and god knows what else. I watched it
endlessly, mostly because anything I watched, I watched endlessly. I suppose I
was too distracted by the awesomeness of the visuals to notice the boring
politics, and I was too young to notice any of the blatant racism or lil’ Annie’s annoyingness, for that matter. Even by the time Attack of the Clones reared it’s boring, insipid little head, I was
still too excited by the car chases ripped right from Blade Runner (not that I had the sense to have seen that movie)
scenes to care just how extraordinarily awkward the “romance” between Anniken
and Amidala was as well as how horrible Hayden Christensen’s “acting” was. It
was only when I reached Revenge of the
Sith that I was starting to understand just how terrible the other movies were,
as well as how ham-handed this one was, not to mention how much of a missed
opportunity General Grivious was. By then it was too late. The damage had
already been done. The previous movies had already intermingled with my
memories of the original trilogy—which I’d only gotten to watching after Phantom—and the latter were tainted in
my mind for the remainder of my adolescence. Frankly, I don’t fain innocence.
We should all claim responsibility for the shit we’ve done no matter what. And
that is why I am doing this. I suppose you can call it a mikva—jewish ritual
bath—by fiery words. I shall cleanse myself of the sequel trilogy in the thrashing
of it.
Well, that
and the fact that every single asshole on the internet has farted out their
opinions on the prequel trilogy, so I figure I might as well add my fifty cense
to the several billion dollars worth of opinions floating around on the
internet. I like jumping on the band wagon. It means I don’t have to be
original.
So down to
business. I suppose that might as well go in order from Menace to Revenge. Let’s
get down to business.
If there’s
one thing that can be said about Menace
it’s that it’s crappiness is legendary. Hell, there are entire reviews of Menace that are longer than the movie itself. There has also been something of an effort to, not so much defend it,
but debunk some of the nastier elements that people have been claiming are in
it, Moviebob and Jim Sterling being two of these individuals. After having
thought about it for a bit myself, I’m of the opinion that Menace is primarily successful as a film for children, in the same
way that, say, Three Ninjas was.
There were enough goofy elements and enough lack of plot to keep us going, even
if the politics was confusing.
However, as an adult, it is painful to watch. Yeah, sorry Jim, but
while I certainly did like the finale and the pod racing bit was pretty cool,
it’s hard to give a damn when you’re constantly hoping that those Sand People
shooting at the contestants gets little Annie in the head. Look, I get it, Jake
Lloyd is forever scarred by the reception he got, but, I’m sorry, he sucked. It’s
like they boiled down the most annoying things about Mcalay Culkin and threw it
into our faces like hot water, scarring us for life. It doesn’t help that this
annoying little shit is supposed to grow up to be the great, intimidating darth
Vadar. And don’t you tell me that little kids can’t be intimidating, every horror fanatic and anyone who’s ever watched Looper (spoiler warning) will tell you otherwise. To be fair to Lloyd, I do get the
feeling that a lot of this can be attributed to Lucas himself, going a little
bit too far with his “prequel”.
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| Original Concept Art for the Viceroy |
And then there’s the space racism,
and I’m not talking poignantly used space racism that's trying to make a point like in that one episode of Star Trek or District 9. Look, Lucas, I get it, part of the thing about Star
Wars, as well as Indiana Jones work is how it borrows elements of classic
science fiction and action. But that doesn’t mean you had to take the full on
racism. You’re aware there’s a reason why no studio executive would even
consider touching a remake of Chu Man Fu? So then why do you have a green-skinned maniacal bad guy who
speaks with a noticeably Asian accent? It’s gonna leave a bad taste in the
mouth.
And don’t even get me started on
Watto. I swear, if I ever see a larger Space Jew in the world of pop-culture,
then I’ll go straight to Israel right away, knowing well that anti-semitism is
on the rise. He makes the Ferengi practically look like Sabras in comparison.
He’s cheap, fat, has a big nose and is bald. If anyone is familiar with
anti-semetic propaganda used during the third reich, you’ll understand why his
depiction can make me physically ill.
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| Original concept art for Watto |
Finally, there is of course, Jar
Jar Binx. Oh dear god, Jar Jar. Ignoring the fact that I’ve seen less Yeah, that’s a guy I’d want hanging around.
offensive
blackface, some of the aforementioned defenders have said stuff like he’s just
supposed to be the comedy relief like R2-D2 or C3PO in the original trilogy. I
call bullshit. For one thing, a good comedy relief is not a constantly bumbling
idiot whose thrown into the plot for good measure. Take the original two droids
for example. They were a part of the story, instead of a hanger-on like Jar
Jar. R2’s there when they blow up the death star. Hell, their escape
practically get the entire plot rolling as it were. They were also endearing.
R2 was plucky and resourceful and made cute noises, while C3PO was clever and
knew how to talk his way out of bad situations. And then let’s look at Jar Jar.
He’s high-pitched, clumsy, and practically makes the Qui-gon and Obi-wan drag
him along. The only thing he actually does is show them the way to the Gun-Gun
city, but aside from that he’s totally and utterly useless. Hell, he even says,
outloud, he was banished from his own city for being “clumsy”.
The decent action, the imaginative
special effects and the thumping music are no match for the dynamic-duo of
dickbaggery lil’ Annie and Jar-Jar. Their very presence drowns out anything
good the movie may provide and accentuates all those bad qualities. The
mindnumbingly boring politics, the acute racism and so much more are all
accentuated, thanks to the combined efforts of Aniken Skywalker and Jar-Jar
Binx.
All of that being said, it’s,
actually, no the worst of the prequel trilogy. No, that dubious honor has to go
to Attack of the Clones. While Phantom Menace may have been offensive
and annoying, it at least had this intriguing watchability, not unlike a video of
someone removing a botfly from their eyelid. You want
to look away and are feeling physically ill watching, but at the same time you
can’t because something within you is enraptured. Attack is just boring.
It’s like what happens if you take the most dull parts of an art movie and
added in CGI for good measure.
Before I continue, I’d like to
thank a certain Noah Benzion. Noah, if you’re reading this, then I would like
commend your endless wisdom for skipping right to the fight scene between
Obi-wan and Jango Fett, which is roughly around the time something vaguely
resembling plot finally rears its’ tired head. To be fair, there are moments in
this movie that work. The first and third acts are decent enough in terms of
action. It’s just a shame that, traditionally in story telling, the second act
is where we spend the majority of our time. And what a second act it is, ladies
and gents.
Yeah, Aniken and Padme. Not exactly
the most dynamic couple of all time. Hell, I’d even venture as to say that
their relationship is almost a worse love story than Twilight. Nothing
quite screams heart-pounding action like watching Hayden Christensen and Natalie
Portman choke out expository bullshit and “bond” over stuff like Aniken cutting a pear for Padme and passing it to her with the force simply so Lucus will have another excuse to flash us his huge effects budget. I’m
sorry, what the hell made George Lucas think this was a good way to build character? Last time I
checked, romance in Star Wars was formed from the bonds of adventure and action,
not the bonds of a Sundance reject. It
doesn’t help that Lucas decided to continue the tradition of having Aniken
played by the least likable person imaginable. I wonder what the casting call
for Aniken Skywalker said: “wanted: annoying actor to play Aniken Skywalker:
monotone required, must be able to pout for hours on end, nasely whine a must.” It doesn’t help that Natalie Portman,
who’s usually a decent enough (read:Oscar nominated) actor, but seems to not to
phone it in, but phoned in the phoning in.
Even the action feels less
interesting this time around, minus that final scene with count Douku (alright
Lucas, be honest: did you lose a bet? Because Douku is exactly the kind of name I'd think of when thinking of a threatening villain name). The music
seems to only give one quarter of a rat’s ass and we rarely get to see much of
anything interesting happen that wasn’t done better in the five other Starwars movies.
And naturally the CGI gets in the way of anything vaguely resembling enjoyment.
And lastly, there’s Revenge of the Sith. And, honestly,
there really isn’t that much to be said about Revenge, seeing as how it’s actually not all that bad. Okay, not
all that bad compared to the previous
two, but you get the idea. Yeah, there was a missed opportunity with General
Grivious, and Hayden Christensen’s acting is still painfully emo (you know,
directors, there is a difference between being a genuinely tortured soul and
being emo. Just making sure), but the pace is decent and the action isn’t too
bad. Also the fight scene between Yoda and the Emporor: actually pretty
awesome.
In short, if I was going to rank
the three movies worst to best—much in the same way I’d rank hangovers—I’d have
to go Attack of the Clones, Phantom Menace, and Revenge
of the Sith. Revenge of the Sith
was alright, Phantom Menace had all the wonder of watching the original trilogy interspersed with a Minstrel show and Attack of the Clones was just
plain boring and stupid. In short, watch them if you must. Just make sure you’re well
versed in the original trilogy beforehand. Also, if anyone asks, Han shot
first. Trust me, you’ll be better off.
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